Citizens of Eddington Hollow,
Today we had a minor incidence of domestic violence that must be confronted appropriately.
At approximately 4:40, citizens Caitlin and Emily were engaging in a harsh verbal discourse about the possibility of unicorn-shaving in Eddington Hollow when the fight elevated to a problematic level. Legs began flailing, and other citizens became concerned for the safety of the town. The incident was resolved before police involvement became necessary.
Citizens, we'd like to remind you that fighting doesn't solve anything, and to encourage you to maintain a solid passive-aggressive attitude for the good of the community.
Also, it has been decided that unicorn-shaving is forbidden in Eddington Hollow on the grounds of cruelty and impossibility. All unicorn shavers please cease and desist immediately.
-Jud, Chief of Police
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